


Playing Prince Charming

by zyaku



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Personal Growth, Sad and Happy, Teenage Drama, a burn that didnt burn, im outdoing myself with these tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-06-25 17:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15645747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zyaku/pseuds/zyaku
Summary: Tsukishima Kei had currently two problems to deal with: One, he absolutely hated the fact that his feelings for Yamaguchi had evolved into something else for a while now. Two, he had competition.Yachi Hitoka had set her mind for change, she wanted to become a confident person, after all. Taking that as a given, she came to the conclusion that she needed to do something about it, something about herself, and something about her newly found feelings for Yamaguchi.Yamaguchi Tadashi always knew he loved Tsukishima, he never thought otherwise. But, as time went by, it came to the day that he felt the worst person alive just by acknowledging it, the day he realized just whatlikingmeant.--Or: a rough attempt to contemplate the common worries of adolescence in love affairs.





	1. Jealousy

It was a matter of time, and Tsukishima’s nerves a time bomb waiting to explode.

 

There were many words that could describe his current state, almost all of them having to do with the fact he was a teenager. He was paranoiac, he was stubborn, he was self conceited and majorly a narcissist. Only one of them fitted perfectly: He was jealous.

 

“Thank you, Yamaguchi-kun!” a determined voice echoed across the gym, he presumed she tried to be as confident as she could, but her soft voice didn’t quite match the sense of that expression.

 

Even so, she managed to catch more than just Tadashi’s attention, one owned by someone who could feel his blood boil everytime that voice was directed to a certain freckled boy.

 

After placing all the equipment used for PE class in place, a rather embarrassed Yamaguchi Tadashi just bowed with his head, moving one hand to the sides to signify that it was not a big deal, he was happy to help. “It’s nothing, Yacchan. Tell me if you need help with anything else, okay?” At this point, not many people could have guessed he was already blushing, due to the copper skin that hid it pretty well, nonetheless, his gestures gave it away anyway.

 

Tsukishima knew for sure, even without looking at him, he knew Yamaguchi was trying hard not to make it any more noticeable than it already was.

 

“I will, thanks!” another bow came from Yachi as she exited the storage along with the boy, shy laughs and cheerful smiles coming from both of them.

 

From a third person’s perspective, it looked just like a sappy drama or a cheesy manga scene. He was not the exception. It was new, and more specifically, odd since he wouldn’t have noticed any of this before. In fact, he wouldn’t have even considered being this fixated in Yamaguchi in the past at all if it wasn’t for this girl.

 

Tsukishima Kei had two problems to deal with at the moment: One, he absolutely hated the fact that his feelings for Yamaguchi had evolved into something else ever since he confronted him that night in the training camp.

 

Two, he had competition.

 

“Yamaguchi” he called in a loud voice, knowing it might have been too much of a short-tempered reaction for his own good. “Let’s go” and before even waiting for an answer, he was out of sight.

 

Maybe he was overreacting, that’s at least what he wanted to believe. He had taken Yamaguchi for granted all this time since he was aware of the other teen’s ‘secret’ feelings for him. But, ever since Yachi Hitoka shown up for the first time, it came in surprise that Yamaguchi had some interest in her aswell. 

 

Tsukishima knew him so well, that he didn’t pay too much attention, being overconfident that he would never have the courage to talk to Yachi on his own.

 

He was wrong, of course; and maybe he didn’t knew him _that_ well, because everything surely changed when she became a manager for the volleyball team.

 

Restraining himself from taking too much interest into his friend's actions, he kept an eye on the way they started getting along. Being both so friendly and close with each other right at the first encounter was Kei’s first alarm.

 

He was sure he had the advantage of a very long friendship with him, but  _advantage of what exactly?_   It wasn't like he had planned to do something about the way he felt about him, Tsukishima wasn't looking for that kind of relationship with Yamaguchi. But still, he couldn't possibly let her have him.

 

In the known of much of a good person, and overall, just how valuable was he as a friend and, given the way Yamaguchi was acting towards her, it wasn’t too long until she began to notice that too.

 

Tsukishima was sure Yachi wasn't a bad person, or had any ulterior motives. For what he was aware of, she was just a sweet hardworking girl with a high school crush.

 

Yet, _she was the enemy_.

 

A few meters behind he could hear some steps running towards him “Wait, Tsukki!” Tadashi called, catching up to him in no time, Kei thinking of how used he was to being followed by him, it was sort of a given “What’s the rush? We still have time to change and go to class.”

 

“You’re too careless.” he answered too quickly, in that typical absent tone of his, both of his hands hiding now in his pockets as he walked. “That’s why people take advantage of you so easily.”

 

It was too bad for him that the only person who would have noticed something else was going on, was the one listening.

 

Frowning at the comment, Tadashi looked up to the back of his friend’s head while following him a few steps behind, Kei turned around to briefly look at him “She didn’t, I offered to help her.”

 

And it looked like he wasn’t the only one annoyed.

 

“Whatever.”

 

He could tell Tadashi was not having that kind of response, being common witness of his recent short-temper, who would have swore something had happened between his friend and Hitoka just because of the way Tsukishima acted around her, he said nothing about it “Is... Everything okay with Yacchan, Tsukki?”

 

No. Not that damn question.

 

________

 

“Tsukki, wait-” before he could say anything else, he was pinned against the wall of an empty changing room. His eyes widened and his face started to faintly blush “What is it? Do you not like Yacch-” the freckled boy tried to continue, but was quickly interrupted.

 

Tsukishima, who had dragged him by his wrist all the way from the gym hall to the changing room without saying a single word, huffed. Even the nickname he had for her was upseting him, ' _Yacchan'_   sounded awfully similar in affection to 'Tsukki'.

 

“No, I don’t. I don’t fucking like her one bit, Yamaguchi.” the blond spurred out, his eyes locked on the other’s while his hand firmly grasped on the wall in front of him. “I can’t believe how long it took you to notice, are you that into her?”

 

Yamaguchi clenched his fists when hearing such question, he didn’t want to look at the other man in the eye, even knowing exactly what was that about, even knowing there was some truth to what he was saying “What?, why? She’s such a nice girl, did something happen?” he repeated, his voice was low, but steady. It didn’t look like he was struggling against it anymore. “I’m not…”

 

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Kei interrupted again, he was taking none of those lies “I’ve seen the way you act around her, isn’t a little too lame to be playing prince charming for attention?”

 

The words that came out Tsukishima’s lips were fully taint in anger, sowing dissent, letting all the discomfort escape in the worst ways. Wasn't that the way he had kept Yamaguchi around for so long? Being that harsh on him until he could realize the motive behind it.

 

Tadashi remained silent, he could tell he was shocked by every word.

 

“Listen, I don’t want… I can’t let her to take you away from me.” from one moment to another everything became harder to explain. Tsukishima sighed, he was not planning on confessing that day, or any day at all “I… I like you, okay? I don’t want to see you hang around her like you two are the best of friends when you barely know her, she doesn't care about you” he explained awkwardly  “Yamaguchi, I fell for you… And, to think she can get you to fall for her too is...”

 

Silence was the first reaction to met Kei along with the other’s grating gaze. Something was off, he felt it in the way the other boy calmly pressed his hand against Tsukishima's arm to push him away “I knew.” he whispered.

 

And this time, silence was Tsukishima’s response to his words.

 

“I knew you didn’t like her… You know why? Because I probably know you better than you care to admit. It was obvious." the sight that met his eyes was one that he had never seen before. “But, damn it, Tsukki, what did you want me to do? Do you want me to stop talking to her? To anyone else besides you?”

 

At the sudden loss of words, Yamaguchi took it as his cue to continue.“I… I’ve been trying for so long not to let my feelings for you interfere with our friendship, because you are _that_ important to me. I wanted to be there for you even if I had to play along as a friend so I didn’t make you uncomfortable or awkward around me.” he explained, and, unlike the blond’s words, Yamaguchi sounded so genuine it almost hurt. "You knew how I felt, right? All this time, and you did nothing about it, so why now?" Yamaguchi barely smiled.

 

Tsukishima averted his sight of it.

 

“Now you tell me you like me and I’m supposed to understand and accept it your conditions of keeping away from her as it was nothing… Do you even care about me at all? Or... Are you more interested in having it your way rather than caring for the person you say you like?” this time the tone in his voice made him turn his sight back to him. It was broken, and he was the only one to blame.

 

“You don’t like me, Tsukki. You like having someone by your side that won’t give up on you. Someone who won't leave you alone, no matter what.”

 

What was he saying? Why was  _this_ the way everything had concluded.  _Wasn’t Yamaguchi the one that had feeling for him first?_

 

“I-I’m sorry. It's... Hard to even say it now, in front of you, I’ve always loved you, but this isn’t something I’m willing to accept.”

 

Then Tsukishima wasn’t sure if it was pride or utter horror of realizing all of this was truth. He laughed, very quietly, at Yamaguchi’s words.

 

Bitter, sarcastic. That was what he was, he was the worst person to ever exist. _Right?_

 

“So what are you going to do?” he asked, rolling his eyes and raising his chin, the Tsukishima everyone pressumed to know came out then, the one who didn't care about anything. “Are you gonna go crawl after that bitch until she notic-”

 

An unfinished sentence was all that was left after his back had touched the ground behind him, a sore pain on his jaw, and the sudden taste of blood in his mouth.

 

“Don’t.” Tadashi’s voice cracked in anger, his tone was rough and piercing through his ears. It took him a while to realize what had happened.

 

And somehow, he looked even more in pain that the one who took the hit.

 

“You can say whatever you want about me but I won’t let you insult a girl who hasn’t done anything to deserve it.”  And, as though he had come to the sudden awareness of his actions, he stuttered “I n-need to leave.”

 

Left with nothing but silence, Tsukishima watched Yamaguchi leave through the hall and out of the building. He smiled bitterly and rubbed the place where he had hit him, with only one thought on his mind.

 

_What a lame prince charming you are, Yamaguchi._

 

Tadashi was absent from class that evening. He was also absent for two days after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life's hard for teenagers.


	2. Idealization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited a lot the first chapter, that's all.

Yachi Hitoka never really cared for romance.

 

Upon entering her first year of high school, she was set in the mind of success. Following her mother’s footsteps, all she ever wanted from those three years was to become a confident young woman, ready to take on any challenge she set her mind on.

 

There were many things she wanted to be, she wanted to be more secure of herself, she wanted to be able to speak out loud without stutter in the middle of a conversation, she wanted to have her own opinion on things and being respected for it, to be less afraid of everything, to go beyond her comfort zone.

She wanted to grow up, maybe too fast for being sixteen year old.

 

One decisive point in her development was when she met her, a third-year girl who was in search for her future replacement as a manager of the volleyball team, Shimizu Kiyoko.

 

Yachi soon discovered Kiyoko was everything she wasn’t, and more often than not, she found herself following her lead instead.

Being one of her many worries to become a self-sufficient woman, it was only natural to wander around someone who already seemed to be it. She never regretted the decision of doing it after finding out she was fond of her as well.

 

It was nice, having someone to look after you. Hitoka was an only child, so she imagined that was the way it would feel to have an older sister.

 

Because of her guidance, it felt so natural to accept her role as the new manager, that she didn’t even saw a crush coming along those lines.

 

“How cute” she heard in what was no more than a whisper. Surrounded by the group of intimidating men that were the volleyball team at first sight. It was hard not to be nervous at their first meeting, but she wasn’t the only one. When she turned around, she found a tall freckled boy looking at her with a faint smile, someone who looked as nervous as she did.

 

Yachi was able to recognize him after a few seconds, he was in the class next to hers but, being _not-so-great_ with names, the only thing that remained in her memory was that sentence and the subtle blush on his cheeks.

 

It didn’t take long for her to realize he wasn’t at like the rest of the first-years he usually talked to in the club.

 

He was quieter, more easy going and seemed to be more caring, surprisingly enough to make her question if he really was on the same grade and not one older, somehow, a sense of maturity surrounded him.

 

Being the only first-year who didn’t get to be a regular, she found it quite cute just how hardworking he was behind everyone's back, and was surprised by the way he fought with his own strengths, despite not being a ‘a natural’, as he called it. It inevitably reminded her of her own battles.   

 

Surrounded by powerful people, by people with strong convictions, she discovered someone like her, and that thought made her too happy for her own good, most of the time.

 

Along with becoming the new manager, things started to slowly fell into place. She was spending more time with the team, making her best efforts to support them, and more often than note, sharing time with the boy that had surprised her ever since their first meeting.

 

It was easy to be with him, they got along so well it actually scared her a little of how similar they turned out to be. If it was a matter of chemistry, she could say it worked out pretty fine with Yamaguchi. In training, in matches, studying together or sharing small conversations in the hall when their eyes met, Yachi would find little bits of joy in every part of it.

 

But it wasn’t until she recognized him coming back from school late at night, still holding a volleyball between his hands as though it would give him the answers to every doubt he was having, that it hitted her. Just watching him struggle on his own, being serious about what he wanted to achieve, making a real effort to endure what was going on in his life...

 

He was the kind of person you just want to cheer on at every single big or small victory.

 

“Yamaguchi-kun!”And that night, her legs moved on her own as she catched up to him, finding herself out of breath when she finally reached the end of the street and holding the bags in one hand for dear life.

 

Yamaguchi just looked at her in astonishment, one of someone who clearly wasn’t expecting on meeting her there out of all people. “Yachi-san” he muttered “What are you doing here?, isn’t it too late to be wandering on the streets by yourself?” he followed to ask, mindlessly playing with the object between his hands.

 

Yachi, still catching her breath, was now freaking out about what to say exactly, she rested her sore hands by leaving the bags on the floor and supported them against her legs. Up until now, she was just running on her own without thinking about it, and was absolutely out of excuses as to why she wanted to talk to him. “I- Uhm… I j-just...”

 

“Is everything okay?” he sounded genuinely worried about her.

 

 _‘Is everything okay?’_ Yachi thought then that, if there was a sentence that would identify him, that was it. Yamaguchi was always worrying about others, being concerned for everyone around him, even if it was for something as dumb as whatever she was doing.

 

“Yes! I… Just came from the convenience store, my house is near so there’s no problem.” she quickly explained, rubbing her cheek with her index finger and not being able to catch the other’s gaze until then. “What about you? There wasn’t practice today but your wearing gym clothes, unless… There was and I forgot to go?!!”

 

“Oh, no, there wasn’t! Don’t worry!“ he quickly responded, and this time, his eyes focused on something other than her while smiling shyly. “I was at Shimada-san’s place. I thought I should practice on my own, since we had the day off.”

 

Yachi smiled then at how Yamaguchi explained it thinking it was something lame coming from him, when she thought it was quite the opposite. “I see. Yamaguchi-kun… You’re so cool, you work so hard all the time.”

 

And before she knew it, she had actually said those words out loud.

 

“I- I mean!”

 

“Cool?” he repeated, and fast enough, he covered the lower part of his face with his hand, hiding what was to her, a very well-known blush. Yachi didn’t try to hide hers. “Well… Thanks, I don’t really think so, though. I mean, I still have a long wait to go compared to… ”

 

Yamaguchi then interrupted himself, not being sure if continuing said thought. “Well, nevermind. Not taking a compliment is rude to the person who makes it, isn’t it? So, I’m grateful you think that way of me.” he managed to say, letting his hand fall to one side and now smiling wide.

 

Now, it was impossible for a person this perfect, _right?_ Yachi thought for a second that it was just her imagination trying to idealize him and the way he behave around her.

 

“Now, we should probably go back, you don’t want to worry your mom by being out here for too long, right?” he asked while leaning in to catch the handlers of her bags and point to the opposite direction. “I’ll take you home, so lead the way. ”

 

Strike out the last thing, he was unbearably perfect in her eyes.

 

Even again Yachi’s protest for her house being close, Yamaguchi still insisted in going with her, pointing out that he would be more at peace seeing her off.

 

The trip was comfortably quiet, being only accompanied by the small conversations they had regularly, about school, about volleyball, about life sometimes. And it wasn’t until they had reached the entrance of the building that Hitoka noticed how short the walk from the store had became.

 

“... Even after I finished the assignment, the teacher kept asking if- Oh, isn’t it here?” Yamaguchi asked, stopping at the entrance.“I guess I’ll have to finish my story some other time” he joked, extending the bags to her.

 

Yachi nodded a couple of times and took the bags. “Thanks! I-i’ll see you tomorrow then, I mean!, if we meet and- Well, I guess we have to see each other eventually at practice. N-n-not that I don’t want to!!”

 

Yachi’s words were again cut by a soft laugh coming from him. “Don’t worry, we’ll definitely meet again” Yamaguchi reassured, keeping a smile on his lips “See you tomorrow, Yacchan!” were the words that came out along a small nod.

 

“Thank you again!!” she managed to say with a fortyfive degree bow as Tadashi stepped to the sidewalk again and waved goodbye. Yachi waved back.

 

And there she was, standing at the entrance of the building, coming to the sudden realization that she liked Yamaguchi Tadashi.

  


________

 

“Hitoka-chan, you boyfriend’s waiting for you outside again” one of her classmates said while drawing a feline smile on her face and sitting right behind her. The comment made her skip a beat, to say the least.

 

“Ohh, does Hicchan have a boyfriend? I’m so jealous~” another two girls joined the conversation, sitting right next to the first one, both of them side-eyeing the door to take a look at the said boyfriend.

 

“He’s so tall. I didn’t know you were into tall boys, being that cute and tiny, Hicchan.” she laughed.

 

”H-h-he’s not my boyfriend!” Yachi responded the best she could, taking into account the nervousness she was bearing, while looking for something inside her bag. “He’s on the club I’m manager of”

 

“Oh, isn’t him Tsukishima Kei’s friend, from class 4? What was he called… Yamaguchi something”

 

 _Tadashi._ She added internally, a little upset about them not being able to recall his name properly. She finally found two snacks wrapped in a pink packaging at the bottom of her bag and pulled them out, inspecting them not to be smashed before taking them out.

 

“Really? Lucky!, now that you’re close to him, you can get to know Kei-kun better” the first girl added, and quickly found the agreement of the other two. “Such a smart strategy, as expected from Hitoka-chan.”

 

The last comment really managed to get on her nerves (a rather odd thing, coming from her). Closing the bag and leaving it on top of her chair, she turned around to face directly the three girls. “I’ll have you know that Yamaguchi is just as cool as Tsukishima. Besides, he’s really kind, smart, loyal to his friends and hardworking, he would make a wonderful boyfriend.”

 

With those words Yachi left the classroom. Outside, Yamaguchi was still waiting for her, grinning and crossing his arms over his chest. “Yacchan” he greeted in a melodic tone. “Morning.”

 

“Good morning, Yamaguchi-kun!” she responded with a smile, trying not to give away her nervousness. Something was odd then, she was sure Yamaguchi always was accompanied by the tall blond boy her classmates were talking about. Hitoka hadn’t talked much to him, but she sure felt like he knew him by how often Yamaguchi talked about him. “Oh, Tsukishima-kun is not with you today? I had these for you, they’re souvenirs from Hokkaido, they’re really good!” she added while handing both to him.

 

“He just left, he said he had something to do. And thanks!” Yamaguchi responded cheerfully while saving one in this pocket and keeping the other on his hand. “He’s definitely gonna like these, since it’s strawberry flavoured.”

 

“Hey, but you have to try them too!” she quickly responded “I asked my mom if she could get mint flavoured ones since they’re your favorite, but she said they were sold out, so...” and as she spoke, she sounded too worried he could get the wrong idea.

 

“Yacchan, I get it” he giggled “I’ll try them too, thanks.”

 

Yachi could then breath out in peace, knowing the misunderstandment had cleared.

 

“So… I would make a great boyfriend?”

 

_____

 

Hitoka had set her mind for change, she wanted to become a confident person, after all.

 

Taking that as a given, she came to the conclusion that she needed to do something about it, something about herself and something about her newly found feelings for Yamaguchi.

 

She had decided the time, the place and the exact words she was going to say to confess. It was scary, and definitely a first for her, but she was confident.

 

_She wanted to be confident._

 

She figured she would ask him to talk after school on a day that they didn’t have club activities. Having a joined PE class with the class next door, she figured that was the time for her to take action.

 

“Tell me if you need help with anything else, okay?” the boy offered after helping her put the supplies back on the storage.

 

“I will, thanks!”

 

_You have to do it now, you have to ask him… You have to-_

 

“Yamaguchi.” she heard a loud voice across the gym that interrupted her thoughts, it was Tsukishima. “Let’s go.” she watched him leave and turned to Yamaguchi, only to find a concerned look on his face.

 

“Yamaguchi-kun, I-” she mumbled.

 

“Ah, sorry, Yacchan. I’ll talk to you later!”

 

“B-but, wait! I wanted to…!” but before she could finish a sentence, he was out of sight.

  


Bummed by the sudden turn of event, she tried not to take it as a sign of defeat. She shouldn’t worry too much about it, she could still talk to him at the end of the day.

 

Except she couldn’t.

 

After looking for him for a while and asking one of his classmates about it, she found out Yamaguchi had left early that day. It only came in surprise that he was absent as well the very next day, and the one after that. She thought about sending a text to make sure he was okay, but figured she didn’t want to disturb him if he was not feeling well, so she turned into asking someone close to him.

 

It was after practice that she came to the conclusion (much to her shyness) of asking Tsukishima about his friend, as it was the last resource on her list.

 

“Excuse me… Tsukishima-kun. Do you have a moment?”

 

The way Tsukishima glared at her made her doubt her mind, but even so she had to ask, she wanted to make sure Yamaguchi was okay.

 

”What is it?” Tsukishima answered, without even taking his headphones off to talk to her.

 

“It’s, uhm… Is Yamaguchi-kun okay? He hasn’t come to school and I’m a little worried” she giggled in nervousness, fidgeting with her fingers.

 

“Who knows...” he responded with a rather sarcastic tone. “Why do you care anyways?”

 

“Eh? I.. Well, I wanted to-”

 

“To what?”

 

“It’s nothing, I was just worried!” she quickly responded, grabbing onto her bag and gesturing to leave. “Sorry to bother you, thanks, Tsukishima-kun!”

 

And, as she nodded and turned around to leave, she heard his voice again.

 

“Do you like him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isn't it nice to be young?


	3. Cowardice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't figure the title out between Cowardice and Self-pity. You can take either of them into account.
> 
> Also, I organized some things and a new chapter magically appeared.

It might have been love at first sight, he thought.

 

Tadashi always counted himself as a simple person, he never really had to overthink anything before coming to a decision. Tsukishima Kei was the exception.

 

It was really love at first sight back then, on a second thought. Even now he could recall thinking of how different Tsukishima looked, how superior to his eyes. He was cool, fearless, composed, and everything Tadashi wanted to be.

 

Even without thinking it too much, he was drawn by this person before he knew it, and so, he followed. To Tadashi’s content of befriending the greatest person he ever met by age seven, to Tsukishima’s annoyance of having a small kid following him and wanting to be by his side no matter what; they settled an unfamiliar friendship. _A friendship, nonetheless._

 

Tadashi looked back and thought that in the end, he was quite proud of himself for that accomplishment, for gaining a place on Kei’s life. He wasn’t sure why.

 

It wasn’t more than just pure admiration for a while, what started as simple and genuine as  little by little turned out to be something more, even though he didn’t quite know himself just _what_ was this new thing he felt exactly. Kids don’t really understand romance.

 

But he loved Tsukishima, without thinking much about anything else. As time went by, it came to the day that he felt the worst person alive just by acknowledging it, the day he realized just what _liking_ meant.

 

_“Kei” he called in the middle of the night. They were about ten years old then, it was the first time he went on a school trip to the mountains with his class. Tadashi could easily say the only reason he was convinced of going was that Kei was going to be there as well, and nothing else._

 

_“What is it?” he answered quietly from the futon next to his, surprising Tadashi. Everyone else was sound asleep because of a tiring day of hiking. Tadashi wasn’t, and apparently, neither was Kei._

 

_The reason was simple to understand, but hard to admit. He was afraid of the dark, always had been, always will be. It was baseless, childish and embarrassing, he wasn’t going to say anything about it, much less to Tsukishima, lying next to him on the ground._

 

_“Yamaguchi?”_

 

_Little did he know, Tsukishima was very aware of it already._

 

_“It’s nothing!” he omitted and shut his eyes closed with all his might. “Night!” he managed to say while turning around and pressing his face against the pillow._

 

_“Yamaguchi.” he called again and one third time, sounding more serious. When Tadashi finally turned around to face him again with teary eyes, he encountered a hand extending to his side._

 

_Yamaguchi looked at his hand and then into his eyes back and forth in shock._

 

_And, by taking Tsukishima’s hand, while the other covered his heavily blushed face, he knew he liked Tsukishima._

 

_Not that he was ever able to tell him such thing at all. Or so, he thought._

 

_____

 

His eyes were tired and sore, he had been leaning to the same pillow wet with tears since the night before and couldn’t seem to stop.

 

_Why it was happening like that? Why now?_

 

Given some other time, some other situation, Tadashi would have given everything to hear those words from Tsukishima, from the person he loved. So why was he crying so miserably on his bed for the past two days?

 

 _Something felt off,_ he was sure about that, yet, he didn’t know exactly what that was. When Tsukishima confessed (and dare say, he was the one confessing to Tadashi), he had felt more like a good reclaimed by his owner rather than being truly liked.

 

Then again, he wasn’t quite proud of his behaviour, though he didn’t regretted it either. He had punched his best friend without thinking about it twice after a few words.

 _And what was the reason?_ The girl that managed to give him some hope to heal from this unrequited love that seemed to haunt him down no matter what.

 

He wasn’t any better himself. If Tsukishima had made him feel like an object to be attained, he was sure he was treating Yachi as his second choice right now.

 

It wasn’t his intention at all, and at some point, he sweared he wanted to fall for her more than anything in the world, up until that moment, he would have given everything to be in love with Yachi instead. She was everything anyone could ask for in a girlfriend, but was he even worth of such affection?

 

He remembered then the day Yachi defended him from those girls in her class. Tadashi had been okay with people putting him aside or girls using him to get to Kei, it wasn’t like he could help it anyway, but the way Yachi had so mindlessly talked back day almost felt she was feeling hurt herself by those words.

 

Most of the things she said didn’t quite matched Tadashi’s opinions, she talked about him they way one could talk about a true hero from a story, an absolutely perfect person. Tadashi was starting to understand why Tsukishima had called him a lame ‘Prince Charming’.

 

Even when he tried with all his might, it was plenty obvious he hadn’t done any of this things by heart, but with the intention of being liked by her.

 

Tadashi was tired of everything, of them, of himself, of _trying_.

 

He didn’t want to face Yachi again, he didn’t had the heart to tell her what was happening. _‘Even though I have feelings for someone else right now, I hope for one day in the future to fall in love with you’_ , just how much of an hypocrite would he be if he dared to say the truth.

 

But more than anything, he didn’t want to face Kei. What Tadashi had treated him like, what the other teen told him to convince him from not taking any actions with Yachi. He didn’t want to admit to his face that it hurt. _It hurt,_ more than any of the horrible things he had been said in his whole life.

 

”I like you so much…” he whispered, feeling his eyes watering again, he pressed his palms over his elbows and brang his knees closer to his chest, the comforter slowly sliding off the bed.  

 

“Kei” and even pronouncing his name hurt, it burned on his lips as he spoke.  “I wanted it to be you.”

 

Slowly but exponentially, he was falling more and more to this black hole made of his own cowardice, he didn’t know how to get out of.  ”Just why the hell am I crying for?!”

 

Both of them, Kei, Hitoka, he deeply cared for both.  He wanted them to be happy despite what had happened. But, feeling no more than a pitiful mess, he was sure he wasn’t the one who could make that happen.

 

How could he even begin to do it? When he was the one who was scared to even go out of his house and face the situation. He was a coward himself, how could he even allow to make a mess out of someone else.

 

_‘You knew, didn’t you? You knew and did nothing about it, so why now?’_

 

Those were the world he sprouted out on a unconscious rage, and it made him doubt his own dedication to said crush. He wanted to be someone ‘’special’ to him, whatever that meant. He laughed at himself for the thought of it, _was there any special thing to Tsukishima right now?_

 

If there was, he was sure he wasn’t it.

 

Rolling to the other side of the bed, he sighed and managed to take his phone from the drawer, now off for two days straight. Pressing the button on the top, it turned on.

 

And instantly, a bunch of notifications started coming up, his eyes going straight to those two names decorated with symbols to one side.

 

 

**Yacchan❀**

‘Hinata told me you were sick. (* °͈▵°͈) ‘

 

‘That’s not it, he says he thinks you’re sick but he’s not sure, sorry!!’

 

‘If that’s the case, hope you get better soon, Yamaguchi-kun! Call me if you need anything. (*＾▽＾)／’

 

 

 

**Tsukki☾**

 

‘Pick up your phone.’

 

‘Tadashi, don’t do this’

 

_This message was deleted._

 

_This message was deleted._

 

_This message was deleted._

 

‘I’m worried about you.’

 

 

 

Tadashi sighed and his vision blurred again. “Sure...” he mumbed with a faint smile.

Now both chats showed the word ‘Read’ underneath, and trying to collect himself, he opened Yachi’s chat again and typed a message.

 

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a little cold. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thanks, Yacchan!!  ˭̡̞(◞⁎˃ᆺ˂)◞*✰ ’

 

After sending it, he pressed back and stared at the screen, not sure of what to send Tsukishima, or if he even had to reply to him. Ironic was that, just as he was ready to block the screen again, another message came in.

 

 

**Tsukki☾**

 

‘Would you stop ignoring me?’

 

Tadashi clicked his tongue. He thought, no, _he was sure_ Tsukishima knew the exact words to rile him up. He had to reply now.

 

‘What do you want?’

 

 

 

‘Why aren’t you answering your phone?’

 

 

 

‘I have a cold, my throat hurts when I talk.’

 

 

 

‘And I’m supposed to believe that.’

 

 

 

‘You don’t have to if you don’t want to.’

 

 

 

‘Well, how about I go there and check if it’s true.’

 

 

Tadashi instantly flinched at the message.

 

 

‘Please don’t come here.’

 

 

 

‘Why not?’

 

 

 

‘... You could catch my cold.’

 

 

 

‘Again with the bullshit.’

 

 

 

‘It’s true though!’

 

 

 

‘It wouldn’t matter anyways, it couldn’t make me look worse than having a fucking frozen steak against my face.’

 

 

Tadashi didn’t want to laugh at that, or anything that he said. He chose to believe he was mad at Tsukishima, even if this façade wouldn’t last long. He bit his lower lip, managing to repress a laugh and replied.

 

 

 

 

‘Does it hurt? And what’s with the language, are you turning into a thug or something?’

 

 

 

‘It does, thank you for that. And I wouldn’t have to talk like that if someone didn’t have me worrying like crazy. ’

 

 

 

‘I’m sorry’

 

 

 

‘You’re not sorry for any of the things I said.’

 

 

 

And then it occurred to Tadashi that he was absolutely correct. He didn’t regret defending Yachi, neither did he mind being the one who get to be worried about for once.

 

‘I am for hitting you. Nothing good comes from violence.’

 

 

 

‘It’s okay.’

 

 

 

‘It isn’t, I could have hurt you really bad.’

 

 

 

‘You have the power of a three-year-old when it comes to punching.’

 

 

 

‘Hey!’

 

 

 

‘Quite interesting, since your jump float serves require a lot of strength.’

 

 

 

‘You’re not fair.’

 

 

 

‘And are you?’

 

 

Yamaguchi stopped at the sudden question, he wasn't sure what was Tsukishima referred to, but it felt as a protective bubble exploding out of thin air.

 

And he came back to reality, feeling like this was just the calm before the storm.

 

 

‘Anyhow, I replied. I’m okay, I’ll go back to class tomorrow, so you don’t need to worry anymore.’

 

 

 

‘Tadashi, I want to talk to you.’

 

 

 

‘Tomorrow.’

 

 

 

‘I need to talk to you now.’

 

 

And once again he smiled, bitterly. Replaying one last time, he turned his phone off and left it on the table again, turning away from it afterwards. He wasn’t feeling specially forgiving or able to play the best friend act at the moment. It reminded him that, in the end, nothing had changed, and he still needed to make decisions and face the situation sooner or later.

 

It was already night time when he put away the phone.

 

 

‘Sorry.’

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can one really forgive without bitterness?


	4. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things may get out of control sometimes.

_ “Do you like him?” _

 

“What?”

 

“Do you like Yamaguchi?” 

 

There was a moment in which Yachi could have swore time stopped for both of them, only being pulled back to reality by the wind making her bangs calmy hover over her face as the evening breeze caught to them. She fixed her hair behind her ear and slowly turned around to face Tsukishima. “W-what are you-?” and, as always, she started to stutter.  

 

“You’re not subtle.” Tsukishima noted, and his hands were further down into his pockets and took a few steps forward. He seemed to be rather calm for someone making that sort of statement. “Just like him.” he added while removing his headphones and resting them on his shoulders.

 

Yachi felt caught, but even more surprised by the fact that it was Tsukishima who brought it up.  _ Was it really okay for her to lie when she was that obvious to begin with? _ “I don’t…This is not…“ and despite her biggest efforts, she couldn’t make up a full sentence and deny it. 

 

“Can I ask you one question, Yachi-san?” he stood right in front of her, the forty centimeters of height difference never feeling more real.  “Why do you like him?” 

 

The girl was astonished by every word, along with his ability to talk of the matter as he was asking for the most banal subject. Lying was not an option, and avoiding him was futile. Yachi convinced herself there was nothing wrong with answering a simple question, even if that meant for her coming to accept her feelings. “He’s… Different.” 

 

And then Tsukishima laughed. On his side, things didn’t feel any different, he was taking a rather defensive attitude as well, not that Yachi could ever to notice it at all, although he was sure the offense side of his words were more than clear to her.  “Different from whom? From your last crush? From the rest of the boys in our school?”

 

He saw the girl panic and did nothing about it, she was notoriously unaccustomed to being addressed in such a direct way 

 

“I don’t think I should be talking this with you.” Yachi managed to say without tripping over her words. Her voice was quieter each time, she didn’t want to be rude, no matter what or how he talked to her. She gripped the straps of her backpack and frowned without noticing. “It’s something personal.”

 

Even if Kei did notice her attitude, he easily replied “No, see, I get it. He’s so friendly and nice, he’s hard working but humble, he’s very reliable despite his carefree personality, he’s loyal and smart, optimistic, he seems to care about everyone, it’s kinda cute, isn’t it?  _ He really would make a wonderful boyfriend. _ ”

 

“You... Heard me?” Yachi said after a silent gasp, those words were not put there on accident and she surely came to understand a lot of things from that. Yachi suddenly felt cornered, incredibly exposed to Tsukishima. She had to finish this conversation before he said anything else.  “Excuse me, I’ll be leaving now.”

 

Tsukishima didn’t mind her parting words and kept talking, a little louder this time to make sure she heard him. He wanted to make a point, he wanted to let her fully know the situation the both of them were in. “He’s also a big liar, you know?” 

 

“What?” even with the intention of leaving, she felt unable to move at those words. It felt like her feet were stuck on the ground. “He’s not.” an even quieter voice came from her lips this time.

 

“He is. See, there’s not a single person in this world who could be that perfect, Yachi-san. Let me tell you a little more about him.” he noted as a matter of fact. His words were calculated, but all of them true to his beliefs on the matter, nonetheless  “He’s a liar, a bit of a coward, he’s clumsy, easily embarrassed as well. He’s very emotional and won’t take no for an ans- “

 

“Stop already! Y-yamaguchi-kun is… He’s nothing like that!” The voice that came out from Yachi this time was the same she used to defend Yamaguchi from the girls in her class that day. Decisive and with a sense of self-hurt  “Y-you’re supposed to be his friend, yet you’re speaking of him like this...” her eyes were narrowing the end of the asphalt path to the gym, she couldn't quite concentrate on the his eyes, it felt overwhelming.

 

There was a long silence. Her hands were shaking while holding the straps, his eyes were slowly focusing on the sight of the sky turning from blue to orange.

 

“I fell for him too, you know?” he admitted bluntly, and that mocking smile kept on tracing his face. No one needed to know these words were more like a sign of his own grief towards this subject, a defeated smile rather than a defiant statement. “And I  _ am _ his friend, as you say. I’ve been his friend for quite a while, actually. Meaning I know him pretty well by now, I can accept every part of him even those you said were now true, and also those I know he hates about himself. “ one corner of his mouth fell down, but the other one remained up, reassuring, affirming those were his real thoughts. “I love him. Every single part of him.” he finally noted, and it was ironic how this confession was reaching the Yachi’s ears first instead of Yamaguchi’s.

 

Yachi felt out of place. She felt like those words weighted a thousand times more than her shy recently discovered feelings. She knew nothing about Tsukishima’s feelings until then, but somehow made the most sense in the dynamics of their relationship, even though she still disapproved of Tsukishima’s opinion on the other boy. She felt small, small and very vulnerable to all of this.  

 

“I-” she mimicked to say something but not a single word left her lips.

 

Kei knew he had said too much, and for that he quickly corrected the course of his speech “So, instead of going around and acting like you know and care for him, you should ask yourself if you really like him in the first place. Do you know anything about him besides that perfect image you're projecting in your head?” his words felt harsh even to himself, but he couldn’t quite manage the way they came out when he settled for telling what he considered to be true. “Back then, and even now, you sound like you’re defending yourself more than you’re defending him.”

 

Yachi flinched at the comment. “That’s not- It’s n-not true.”

 

“Well, I should give you some credit, you do know what his favorite flavour is, he told me about it the other day, thanks for the snack by the way.” his mocking tone came one more time, no matter what, the sarcasm and bitterness of his comments did manage to get through. He couldn’t outlook the fact that this girl was really his competition.

 

Yachi felt like crying out of pure tension. Breathing out and with a thread of voice, she talked again “Tsukishima-kun, why are you telling me all this?”

 

Tsukishima sighed “Listen. Despite how this looks, I don’t have anything against you.” he pointed out, and actually meant it “If he chooses you, there’s nothing I can do about it but support his decisions.”

 

The place went quiet again, even if just a fraction of a second past, it felt like a whole minute.

 

“But, even so, that doesn’t mean I’ll be handing him over to you that easily.”

 

Yachi pulled his lower lip between her teeth and let out a sigh as well. What didn’t feel quite right before now was showing on plain sight “Then, what about you?”

 

“What?”

 

“You say you like him, that you fell for him too, but you talk of him as he was of your property.” her voice slowly started to level out and her sight met his. “Ever since I started hanging with Yamaguchi-kun you’ve bossing him around for no reason, you say you don’t have anything against me but then you go and make him feel bad about being with me, like you’re allowed to say when and who he can be with.” Yachi felt just as surprised by her own words as Tsukishima, but she didn’t allowed herself to stop. “Maybe I’m not as close as you two yet, but I do know I care for him, as a friend  _ and  _ as the person I like. Even… E-even if he were to correspond to my feelings, I would never do anything to stop him from being with you because I know how important you are to him. But you… Are really being selfish, Tsukishima-kun.”

 

“... Selfish?” he mouthed, and the thought of it wandered around his mind for a while. He was not expecting a response from her at all, much less  _ this  _ one. “Well, maybe I am. Who knows.”

 

Although Kei had considered it, on the outside his expression remained unaltered. He took one deep breath and just started walking towards the school. “Do your best, Yachi-san.” He said in a calm voice, putting on his headphones as he passed by her. “I’ll be doing that too.”

 

____

 

Tadashi returned to class the next day but as it came by, it looked like he wasn’t really there at all, he didn’t feel there at all. Acting mostly absent during the whole time in class and coming to terms with facing both people he had been worrying about, that’s where his mind was. 

 

Even when his teammates talked to him, or when his teachers or classmates pointed out as well, he just couldn't concentrate anymore.

 

It wasn’t until the end of the third period at lunchtime, that Yamaguchi decided on his actions. He walked to Yachi’s classroom, not caring the slightest about waiting at the entrance for her, but instead going inside to pick her up since most of the students there were having lunch or had gone to the cafeteria. He locked eyes with her for a brief moment before speaking.

 

“Yacchan… Can I talk to you for a second?”  

 

The girl looked rather surprised, and did not hide it very well. With just a nod, she stood up and packed her empty bento case back into her bag. She followed him and did not mind making any sort of light conversation, at the very end she knew mostly what this could be about.

 

Yamaguchi stopped at the school bleachers surrounding the track field. The only noise was the quiet sound of people chattering a few meters away from them and some boys playing with a football in the field. It was sunny, and Yachi had to cover over her eyes for a second to look back towards the school.

 

“Sorry for making you come all the way here” he apologized with a gentle smile, finally sitting down somewhere in the third row. She sat next to him. “It didn’t felt right to talk with all those people around.”

 

Yachi giggled and shook her hair, focusing her attention for a second in the cloudless blue sky over them “Don’t worry… It’s a really nice day, isn’t it?”

 

Yamaguchi laughed quietly as well and looked over the lower row seats “Yeah, I guess it’s true.”

 

Silence, but oddly, no awkwardness came from it.

 

“Is you cold getting better?” she spoke up to break the long silence first. 

 

“Oh, that… It is. Thanks for asking” Yamaguchi looked lost for a few seconds, but quickly managed to catch on the white lie he had told before. He gestured to say something else but backed out at the last moment.

 

“What did you want to talk to me about?” Yachi insisted this time, turning to face Yamaguchi’s profile, another reminder for her of how the nature of her current crush. ”I mean… If you want to t-tell me, that is..”

 

“Of course I do, it’s just...” Tadashi turned to face her and his hands shook slightly to let her know at least it didn’t have anything to do with her. “... Remember what you said that time? When those girls were talking about me… “  Yachi flinched by the comment, but remained silent. There it was again. “Yachi-san, I could be easily mistaken but, by any chance, do you think of me… That way?”

 

_ ‘Of course you know already’. _ She thought, and it didn’t have to do anything with talking to Tsukishima about it. It was more about her, about being obvious and oblivious to her surroundings. It was absolutely about her, feeling stupid for thinking this could pass as a secret for any longer than it had.

 

“Two days ago… I was going to confess, you know?” Hitoka’s voice was a thin string waiting to be cut at any moment. “Before you decided to disappear from class.” she chuckled quietly.

 

“Ah… You could tell I was not sick, after all” Yamaguchi followed with an embarrassed smile.

 

“A little, yeah... But I figured you didn’t want to be bothered, so I just went along with it.”

 

“I’m so-”

 

“Don’t be!, it’s okay. I… Really thought about it a lot, it’s a little embarrassing… But I thought that if it was you, you wouldn’t laugh at me even if you rejected me.”

 

And at that moment, Yachi Hitoka came to a realization: She was expecting to be rejected all along. Tadashi remained silent.

 

“There’s no hope for me, is it?” she asked with a faint smile, one that made Tadashi skip a beat as he looked at her.  “I mean… You even knew about it all along and still treated me so nicely, it must’ve been really annoying for you...”

 

“It’s not that!” he raised his voice suddenly and stood up to face at the girl.  “Yacchan, you’re a great girl, I’m being serious. I wasn’t sure until then, that’s why I asked, and-”

 

“Be more honest, Yamaguchi-kun.” Yachi interrupted, not being able to face him this time  “I’m really not fond of being pitied”

 

“It’s not pity...” he said in a whisper and continued short after that,  _ it was enough.  _ There was no way more lies could come up from him. “I’m sorry. Even if I didn't like you the same way, I do think you’re a an amazing girl, Yacchan.” 

 

Both staying still in silence, surrounded just by distant sound of the bell coming from the school and indicating the end of the break. The wind steadily moved some green leafs on the floor,  _ everything _ suddenly felt like the ending of something they didn’t recognize.

 

“But I’m in love with another person.”

 

_____

  
  


It was a silent promise. No matter what, they would always walk home together.

 

Tadashi felt tired, like life was beating any sort of energy out of him, and the tension between the two of them didn’t make it any easier. Tsukishima was not wearing his headphones this time, but once in a while he gestured to put them on, only to back on his actions short after, Yamaguchi could tell he did want to talk, but didn’t know how to start.

 

“What was it?” Tadashi asked, walking a few steps in front of him.

 

“What was  _ what _ ?”

 

“Your messages yesterday, what was that about?”

 

Tsukishima thought about it for a while, and even checked his phone to check the last message he sent. “Oh… The one about wanting to talk to you.”

 

“The deleted ones, Tsukki. What did they say?”

 

The request manage to surprise the blond, falling a few steps behind “Does it matter?” he questioned briefly “I don’t even remember what it was.”

 

“You’re a terrible liar.” Tadashi noted in a calm voice without turning around. “Why would you hide it?”

 

“Or maybe you know me too well, because I think I’m pretty good at lying.” he concluded, and then specified “We both are.”

 

Tadashi sighed in exhaustion. “I guess we are.” 

 

Tsukishima stopped in place and almost simultaneously, he did the same. 

 

“  _ ‘I’m sorry for what I said.’ _ ” he started in a neutral tone. “  _ ‘I don’t want to lose you’. ‘I don’t know what to do.’ _ ”

 

Tadashi, who had been holding his breath while facing the way home all this time, turned around and faced Kei. His hands fell to his sides, and for a moment he just glanced at the way the red sky tainted the other’s face in a subtle way.  “And why did you erase them?”

 

“I didn’t feel sorry, no matter how I looked at it. And the rest were just things you already knew, I told you before and managed to get rejected… Right?” the bitter tone reverberated in the last question this time.

 

“That wasn’t rejection. I really meant what I said that day.” there was no doubt on Tadashi’s voice, even if it was mostly quiet. “I know you don’t like me, at least not as more than a friend.”

 

Kei just laughed, feeling his heart tightening inside his chest. He didn’t expect it to hurt this much, it was the second time that cruel sentiment reached him. “You’re unbelievable.” he noted, slightly shaking his head.

 

“It’s true-”

 

“And  _ who  _ are you so say that’s true?!” Kei raised his voice, making the other man look lost at the confrontation. “ _ You’re my friend _ , I get it, you know me the most, but that doesn’t mean you get to choose how I feel and how I don’t!” he spurred out in anger, feeling his breath lost in the agitation. 

 

Tadashi stood there in shock, even if he was ready to argue that statement, something stopped him from doing it, something he never once saw before that day: Tsukishima looked on the verge of tears.

 

“I know I did nothing about it until now, I’m to blame for that, but you know what? I never once doubted your feelings for me.’ Tsukishima said with a single sigh and left.

 

Behind, stood an astonished Yamaguchi Tadashi in the middle of the road wandering what exactly had happened.

 

He looked up after a few moments, and saw the street light starting to flick, and no long after that, all the lights of the street went out.

 

If this was irony, he could feel it weighing down his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I should keep writing this.


	5. Resolution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things you should know before reading:
> 
> —This chapter is divided in two parts. (the other chapter is already published, please don't punch me.)
> 
> —There are some light depictions of anxiety and a panic attack, if you don't want to read it, I put asterisks (*) before and after. You can just skip it if you're uncomfortable with it.

_ “I’m in love with another person.” _

 

_ Yachi could hear those words resonating on her mind even as he finished talking. They didn’t seem unfamiliar, yet it had a different weight on it coming from Yamaguchi this time. She was honest with herself, and knew the moment it had been confirmed that her heart was somehow broken.  _

 

_ A soft smile appeared on her lips, she looked up and directly at him. “Is that so...” she said to herself in a whisper and stood up, “have you told that person yet about it?” she asked sincerely and the question surprised Yamaguchi. _

 

_ “I haven’t...” he admitted, being him the one to turn away from her this time. Neither of them seemed to have the intention of returning to class.  “It’s not that easy.” _

 

_ Yachi wanted to say something about it, it felt oddly close to home to some extent, she figured that coming to terms with it was something he had to do on his own.“Yamaguchi-kun, can I give you some advice? You don’t have to take it but...” _

 

_ “You can tell me anything.” he interrupted to stop her from self doubting. “I could… Probably use some right now.” _

 

_ Yachi cleared her voice and spoke up, not loud enough to be intrusive but with a volume that demonstrated she was absolutely sure of what she was about to say. “Up until now you’ve trying to please everyone, because that’s just how you are. You want everyone to be happy despite your own feelings. I know you probably wanted that for me as well… Am I wrong?” _

 

_ Yamaguchi looked at her as though he was being caught in the act. “ I did-, I do.” he corrected. _

 

_ “So, let me ask you… By doing that, and by that I mean lying to cover stuff up or doing things you didn’t really feel strongly about just for the sake of pleasing someone, even hiding what you really felt... Has that made anyone happy at all?” _

 

_ It took awhile for the the other teen to realize what she was saying, how the pieces little by little seemed to match perfectly at this awful mess that he had created by himself. _

 

_ “No.” he noted “Not at all.” _

 

_ “It just made things worse.“ she pointed out, the calm attitude not matching Yamaguchi’s assumptions at all about her approach to the situation.  “You know, there’s a saying that goes ‘Only fools repeat the same thing over and over, and expect to get different results’... Maybe it’s time for you to try... A different tactic that the one you’re using right now.” _

 

_ Yamaguchi laughed and nodded, answering after a few seconds “Are you calling me a fool, Yacchan?” _

 

_ “N-no! That’s not-!” _

 

_ “It’s okay, It’s just a joke. Even though I have been a fool lately.” _

 

_ And there were various reasons he thought that was true. First, he had forced himself to please everyone and maybe gain something from it in the end, he had made conscious actions to make Yachi believe he was interested in her and believing there was nothing wrong with that, he had expected Tsukishima to do something about his feelings before, when himself hadn’t make a single effort to change the situation as it was. He had done so many things wrong, he didn’t even know where to begin with his mistakes. _

 

_ He knew also that it was okay, for him, for Yachi, for Tsukishima… To make mistakes, and learn from them, as Yachi had said. _

 

_ “You know, Yacchan… You’re really an admirable person. I wish I could be as confident as you are.” _

 

_ “Confident...? Me?” Yachi turned to face him with a startled expression and chuckled “I’m not confident at all, Yamaguchi-kun… But I am really trying to be true to myself this time.” she explained and even felt proud of herself for that. “You should try it too.” _

  
  


____

  
  


A silent way home under the remainings of a fading sunset, disappearing slowly until there was nothing left but darkness and the occasional amber tint coming from the emergency street lights, shining dimingly. A blackout, as it was announced that night.

 

_ “... It’s supposed to be ten wards around this area…” _

 

_ “Really? God, I hope it doesn’t last the whole night.” _

 

He heard as walking past a few neighbours talking over the fence next door, Tadashi felt like they were mocking him, even when he bowed to greet them on his way to the entrance. 

He closed the door behind him, pushing such irrational thoughts away.

 

Unbearable silence, all over again.

 

Using his phone as a flashlight, he climbed up the stairs and got to his room, closing the door behind him. His bag dropped on the floor, next was his coat. Last, he dropped on the bed with a long exhausted sigh.

 

“Shit.”

 

His eyes started closing by themselves and he could feel his hands trembling on his sides, grasping onto the sheets beneath him. Tadashi repeated to himself that everything was going to be fine, even when he didn’t believe it himself.

 

*

 

And then it happened. 

 

Triggered by the same illogical fear of his along with the thoughts of his last fight with Tsukishima, he felt his chest tighten and the void on his stomach starting to grow up to his throat. He remained still, terrified, as though this feeling was a beast that won’t attack if he didn’t move. It attacked anyway.

 

_ ‘Everything’s okay, everything’s fine, nothing’s going to happen’ _ he repeated and closed his eyes tightly, convincing himself that he wouldn’t give up so easily this time, that he could actually fight against what he was going through. 

 

It was growing, despite his efforts. It felt like falling. Just like the feeling you have in your chest before something significant is about to happen, the nervousness that remains even if you try to convince yourself to calm down. Now his teeth were chattering.

 

Developing from zero to a hundred, he started to feel like he was going to die at any given second.

 

“Tadashi, it’s okay...” he muttered “Don’t be stupid, everything’s gonna be fine” and repeated again and again, his palms pressing against his eyes. “You’re going to get past this, you can get past this...” little by little his voice getting quieter.

 

It was like the darkness would swallow him up. 

 

“Don’t be stupid… Tadashi.. Stop being a fucking idiot… Nothing’s going to happen... Goddammit…”

 

He sat up on the bed being overwhelmed by his heartbeats, even if they weren’t racing up, he could sense that it could happen any time now. Pulling his bag strap, he took out his phone from the outside pocket and started scrolling down phone numbers. He didn’t want to call and bug anyone, much less making them worry over this baseless fear.

 

Typing quickly, feeling guilty, gross and embarrassed, he sent a message. Just at that moment, he was aware of the little drops falling on the screen, running down and touching his fingerprints.

 

_ ‘I’m scared’ _

 

Soon after there was the word ‘Read’ written under it. He waited,  _ longed _ for a reply as the minutes passed. There was none.

 

_ ‘It’s going to pass… Nothing’s going to happen, Tadashi...’  _ he thought as his vision started to blur again.

 

“Tadashi.”

 

He was not sure how much time has passed since he’s been trying to stop counting every single breath and heartbeat, making himself conscious of the rhythm, worrying they might stop at any moment. 

 

The foreign voice was so easily confused with his own that he didn’t even notice someone else was in the house until the door opened and a familiar silhouette walked across the room up to him and sat to his side.

 

His arms burned around him, his hands hurted pressed against his chest. Of all people, he didn’t wanted to be comforted by him. Yet, he was the first one to reach up to when things went wrong.

 

“Tsukki...” he muttered, burying his face on his chest, trying to get away from the thought of being this pitiful. 

 

Only when Tsukishima hugged him tightly, he realized his whole body was trembling.

 

“I-I’m sorry… I’m really sorry... ” Tadashi started, but the words came out shattered, weak and almost incomprehensible.

 

“It’s okay.” Kei responded in the same calm tone and rested his chin on his head. “Don’t be.”

 

“I was… You didn’t... Have to… ”

 

“You needed me. I’m here for you, that’s how it works.” and somewhere along that explanation, Yamaguchi’s felt lost of words. He hugged back, wrapping his arms around his torso. “I know you hate nights like this.” Kei continued, making sure not to address the subject directly.

 

This was Tadashi’s biggest crossroad.  _ How could this be Tsukishima?  _ How could he be that sarcastic, conceited and aloof person and yet the single selfless, nicest, caring boy he’s ever met. Which one of them was him and why did he insisted on being different versions of himself whether they were in public or alone.

 

“Take a deep breath” he instructed, Yamaguchi could no nothing but follow each one of them. “It’s okay, you’re safe.” 

 

*

 

The pace of his breathing started slowing down, the insistent grip on his hands unclenched and a few more sobs were the only sound in the room for a while. His eyes followed one of the hands that were previously hugging him, now slipping to one of his arms, wrist and finally taking his hand in a very sensitive manner. It felt painfully familiar.

 

“You know? It doesn’t matter if you think I don’t feel anything for you.” Kei said after a few moments. Yamaguchi pulled back and tried to lock his gaze on him. In the middle of a pitch black room, he could still catch a glimpse of his golden eyes staring back. “I’ll come to terms with it… And still be here if you need me.” 

 

Tadashi steadied his breathing “You don’t need to do this, Kei...”

 

“I know. But I want to. “ he explained “I was a jerk. And I’m sorry… I-”

 

“Me too.” he responded to the other teen’s desconsertation. “I shouldn’t have said that before, you were right, I crossed the line there.”

 

“I did the same thing... With Yachi, and with you. I was mad at… All of this, and it came out wrong.” and a smirk showed on his face, one to cover for the embarrassment he was feeling “I did those things because I was panicking, they all sound so stupid now.” Tsukishima pulled back as well, but he didn’t let go of the other’s hand “I don’t want you to be like this, much less because of me.”

 

It was awfully ironic how one night, years ago, he was holding his hand and finding out he liked Tsukishima Kei. And there he was again, six years later, holding the same boy’s hand and painfully falling for him all over again.

 

“We keep doing this… Hurting each other for whatever reason it comes.” he admitted, tired. Tired and sick of being on the edge of his relationship with Tsukishima, whatever that was at this point. “Us..  _ We _ can’t happen, you get it, right?”

 

After a short silence, Tsukishima had answered and agreed “I get it. This is not how it’s supposed to be.” he explained “We’re just not ready.”

 

Tadashi felt like he could cry his heart out. And he did a while after, resting his forehead on Kei’s chest, letting all his frustration come out in loud sobs and wheezing that started to fade away in a small voice and quiet weeping. 

 

“I loved you.“ Tadashi whispered, forcing his voice.

 

“I know.” 

 

“I loved you so much…”

 

“I know.” this time Tsukishima’s voice sounded so small it made Tadashi look up. He was crying as well. “I’m sorry.”

 

“... I’m sorry too.” he replied in a single breath, letting his hands rest on his chest and never facing away from him.

 

“Tadashi, I love you.” he admitted and a quiet laugh left his lips. He took off his glasses and tried to wipe the tears from his eyes, acting as if they weren’t there to begin with. “Even now… It feels so good to say it, I love you.”

 

The honesty in his tone made Tadashi’s heart ache.  _ ‘What a great thing we lost _ ’ was the only thought on his mind when he leaned in and kissed Tsukishima softly, weakly on the lips.

 

“I love you too, Kei.” he murmured and his voice broke as he looked down  “Why is it so hard to be together?” 

 

“We’re just… “

 

_ Not ready to give up. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter (Tsukishima and Yamaguchi's part) was heavily inspired by the song Ref:rain by Aimer.  
> You can listen to it, if you want and have the time, that is.
> 
> As for the panic attack, what is written there is a depiction of what I go through during my experiences. I know it's different for everyone and this one's not really common, but I didn't want to make anything up. Hope you understand.


	6. Growth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We can learn, even from the smallest things.

_ Not yet. Not here. _

 

Yachi had arrived home just a few minutes later than usual. She had taken the exact same route as everyday, had walked the exact same steps, yet she didn’t feel pressure to get home. 

 

She crossed the door and closed it behind her, took her shoes off and put them together next to some slightly bigger ones, a pair of burgundy heels.

 

_ Not yet. Not here... _

 

“Hitoka, are you home?” a voice coming from the livingroom asked. No one replied.

 

She heard steps hurrying to the entrance and then her mother’s face making a concerned look. “I’m home.” she replied, stuttering.

 

And the tears started rolling down her cheeks all at once.

 

With a worried look, her mother approached here and asked for an explanation, her soft grip closing on each of Hitoka’s arms. Hitoka was not sure if she had one just yet.

 

“No, it-t’s not… That.” she managed to reply and smiled faintly to calm her mom. “It’s more like a… Uhm...” even if the words wanted to come out, it still felt like something too surreal to talk about.

 

“Is it about that boy? The one with the freckles?” her mother asked, trying to catch her glance even for just a moment. This time she looked more composed and curious, one of her palms rested on Hitoka’s hair and slowly stroked it.

 

Her eyes went wida and her breath stopped for a second “How did you-?”

 

“I’m you mother, and a witch by the way, so you should be careful” she joked with a smile and hugged her dearly. “Tell me what happened.”

 

Yachi, who hadn’t stop crying just yet, pressed her face against her chest and hugged back, feeling some of the vulnerability from before coming back to her. “I… I really liked him…” she assured, as it was a subject up for debate “I did!... B-but… ”

 

“But? He liked someone else?” the woman asked in a calm tone, letting her daughter explain as she calmed down little by little on her arms. Hitoka followed her to the living room quietly, and both of them sat on the sofa as she explained shortly after what that had happened from start to finish. 

 

“Maybe it’s just me...” Yachi questioned, and her hands went to try and wipe the tears falling from her eyes.

 

To her surprise, her mother crossed her arms over her chest and stared at her with a harsher look.

 

“Hitoka, that’s not you” she stated. “Do you really believe what you are saying?” continued, giving her time to realize just what was she saying. If she had an answer for her at the moment, it would have been a negative.  “Dear, that’s just life. I did not raise you to feel less than anyone else, did I? You’re an intelligent, beautiful, kind girl and I’m really proud of you, even when you don’t believe it yourself.” a silent sigh came from the older woman this time and her pose rested to a more passive one.  “Sometimes in life you just have to endure it and move on, even if your feelings are on the table. Crushes and heartbreaks are part of life, and you’re allowed to feel sad about it, to cry your heart out and move on. But, you know what? You stood up for yourself today, you gave yourself a chance to be as important as everyone else around you, and that’s something far more valuable.” 

 

And as she calmly explained, Yachi felt that constant weight on her shoulders slowly lift and disappear “I know it hurted, but I can assure you it was worth it, you are worth it... My girl grew up a little more yet today.” her mother smiled and, in response, Hitoka smiled too. “Tell me, are you proud of yourself for what you did today?”

 

Hitoka thought of everything that had happened to her in the past few weeks, every moment she had to make the choice of valuing herself before anyone else. 

 

_ ‘... I am really trying to be true to myself this time…’ _

 

And within a few seconds, the smile remaining on her lips, she answered. “... Yes.”

 

“That’s my girl. Now go get changed, we’re going out tonight.” 

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“To celebrate, of course.” she said with a small laugh. “No child of mine is going to be sad about some kid that didn’t deserve her. This is part of the process too, so let’s go.” 

 

Hitoka just chuckled at the remark and did as she was told, thinking how everything came to be in the end, how the worries stuck in her mind felt a thousand times less heavy once she spoke up, how it was a matter of perspective for most part.

Life was not that easy, of course, cause she still couldn’t get rid of that knot on her throat or than pain on her chest, but she was sure this time it was going to go away. 

 

She acknowledged a few things as well. That she changed along the way, that she overcame some things and some other overcame her. That, sometimes in life, ‘failure’ is not a bad thing but just the right path when you have tried your best and it didn’t work out.

 

And maybe, just maybe, she acknowledged that she was a little closer for what she set her mind on. 

 

_______

 

It had been a couple of weeks since then, but Tadashi felt as if it was so long ago.

 

Everything more or less came back to how it was little by little, everyday they would be side by side, silently or recklessly spending their time together as it was a silent pact. Their friendship remained untouched, both trusting that the bond between them would surpass any other feeling that ached once in a while when they longed for one another. They endured it, because they had something that they treasured more than anything else.

 

As many things remained the same, many things also changed; one of them was particularly surprised for Yamaguchi. He had seen some changes on his best friend as much as he saw them on himself. Like one time he came back to the usual place where they had lunch, only to overhear a conversation between him and Yachi. He hadn’t understand a lot of the events he described, but at some point he heard Tsukishima apologizing to her for his attitude toward the girl, for overstepping boundaries, talked about the hope for them to get along as teammates and hopefully friends someday.

 

Another things were about himself… They were few, if he had to depict them objectively. He was still as carefree as ever, sometimes outgoing, sometimes shyer. He still aimed for the same goals and tried as hard as he could to achieve them. He still loved his best friend just the same. 

 

He figured some things just weren’t meant for change.

 

“Yamaguchi, let’s go... They’re going to come get us if we don’t-” 

 

It had been about half an hour since their last class was dismissed when Tsukishima entered 1-4 classroom again. The door closed behind him and, when he turned around he found Yamaguchi with his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against the door to prevent him for leaving.

 

“What are you doing?” he questioned with a rather curious expression.

 

“Shut up, Tsukishima.” Yamaguchi mimicked the blond’s voice, to what he had just responded with an eye roll while the other teen smirked. “I have something important to ask you so volleyball practice can wait… For a few minutes.”

 

“Practice can wait? Coming from you, it must be a huge deal. What is it?”

 

Yamaguchi pulled away from the door and stood in front of him “Do you still like me?” he asked, letting his arms fall to the sides as he portrayed a big grin.

 

Tsukishima raised his eyebrows and smiled “I don’t.”

 

“You don’t?-”

 

Tadashi’s words were interrupted then by a hand raising up his chin and a stolen kiss from his lips. “I lied, I do. What’s with the sudden question?”

 

To his surprise, when he met Tadashi’s eyes again, he was not pleased at all “Tsukki!” he complained and pulled away. “I hate you so much.”

 

“What?”

 

“I was just going to ask you to date me and you go and act all cool by yourself! You’re not fair at all!”

 

It took a few seconds for Tsukishima to process what he had just said. And there was laughter, a room filled with it.

 

“You don’t have to laugh in my face, you know? A ‘no’ is enough.”

 

“I don’t mean that… I’m...” he tried to explain, but the laughter didn’t let him finish a single sentence.

 

“You’re making me nervous, stop laughing!”

 

“I’m just..” By this point, Yamaguchi could see a faint blush on his cheeks as well “I’m too happy.”

 

Yamaguchi kissed him again, infatuated with his attitude. “Well, I’m the happiest.”

 

“You want to compete?”

 

“Meet me outside, we can have another fist fight.”

 

And before they knew it, they were laughing again at the situation.

 

“Guys, what are you doing here?! Daichi’s going crazy!” a different voice stated this time with a single thump of the door opening in a quick movement. Outside, Tanaka and Hinata were standing in their gym clothes.

 

“You haven’t even changed yet!” Hinata continued, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi turned to face the door at the same time. “What are you still doing here?”

 

“Not much.” Tsukishima walked to the door and past his teammates, a smile imprinted on his lips.

 

“Prince Charming here just asked me out.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> And even more, for going all the way through this train wreck.
> 
> Come talk to me on my [tumblr](http://zyaku.tumblr.com/) or my [other tumblr](http://serious-writer.tumblr.com/).


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